I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
