im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
