i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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