Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
