I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
