quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
