Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
