i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
