Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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