i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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