dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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