wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
