At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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