awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
don't judge my taste in strippers
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
