my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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