i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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