I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no you cant smoke seaweed
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
