Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
