Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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