I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
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That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
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its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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