just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
