You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
