Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
