Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
