So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
