it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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