PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
