I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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