I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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