you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bar mat shot.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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