No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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