Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
