at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
