just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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