They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
