history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
