Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
