my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you will always have a special place in my vag
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
