i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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