the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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