Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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