Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
