ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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