You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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