I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
