I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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