I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
