i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
