Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
