anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
