i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Randomize
