The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
