He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
