my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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