Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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