According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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