nut hugger
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
