I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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